Tuesday, 3 August 2010

The Lion Tamer's real history

Thought it was time I came clean. Have you really got half an hour to spare?

My story begins back in 1999. The crossroads of my life.
Bankrupt, although no fault of my own, I had split with my wives, a mistress and several girlfriends. I also had two wonderful children who, I finally thought, deserved so much more.
Penniless, I decided there must be more to this pathetic existence.
Wandering through Leek in Staffordshire, visiting the local wine shop for a hopeful tasting (no joy there then) I called in to one of the Town's fine charity shops and found an epic publication by Rapala Napala: ‘The Threads of Fortune’.
In it, ‘Napala’, who was apparently a ‘Zhou Zinga High Priest’, explains that life is all about balance.
Balance was something I didn’t do.
Even when walking over flat ground I would fall over very easily; although fit, I was as physically stable as Bambi on Ice
But... I was enthralled with his teachings.
Not only had he explained in a logical way the traditional beliefs of the Chinese ‘Yin and Yang’ philosophy of life and food but also how this could be adapted to all faiths and creels.

I decided that I must learn more.

I joined a local thought club; ‘The Thinkers’ who met up once a week at the local WMCA. However, after being forced to chew nutmeg I ended up with many ailments and sore areas.  I became very disillusioned with this group as I think they had an alternative agenda that I was not 100% happy with.
So, bag packed, no GPS, no map, no idea of the language difficulties I might face, I cashed in my ‘air miles’ and booked a one way ticket to the home of the  'Zinga’ people of Dingi, North of Katmandu..

I did not intend to stay long but after all, where better a place to start my adventure? This was where ‘Napala’ had recently opened a balti style restaurant, financed by the royalties from his latest book; ‘The wonders of curry’. I thought this to be the ideal starting point on my quest for eternal happiness.

I never did meet Rapala Napala but did enjoy the local hospitality, as one would expect from a tribe of courteous Tibetan nomads.I was not sure they liked me at first. Indeed, I would often awake  from a sublime, green tea and other substances induced sleep only to find a note informing me that the restaurant had moved 30 kilometres through the unforgiving and forboding  tundra over night.

Eventually accepted by the elders, I spent the next two years in their friendly company, learning the language, hunting, fishing, riding, martial arts (pink belt) and generally becoming comfortable with their ‘ways’.
It was interesting that they used a strange device to make tea. A kerri kettle they called it, and they only used wringta tea bags.

The time came when I was expected to take a wife. Now this might sound fairly simple to a westerner but no man can take a wife in the Tibetan tradition without the means to support her and the potential family; I had to learn a trade.
I spotted a sign. 'Fry tyers wranted! Only the best wranked in the world appry'

Well although not suitably qualified, I could knock up a half decent straggle nymph so decided to apply.

'Ca U Ty LTD sedge? was all I heard, as I was continually whipped with 7'6 bamboo#4
Not having a clue what this meant, I left, leaving my unfinished tups indispensible variant, later copied by some clever bloke from Bakewell. At least the local goats were happy.

I looked further afield. This was going to be tough. I did a stint on the old drums but aparently I sent out filthy messages while doing a paradiddle.

I was not a very good horseman either; neither could I cook the exquisite, fragrant dishes of the area. I needed something else.

The ‘Zhou Zing’ are masters of Medicinal Art. For hundreds of years, indeed since the Ch’in  u  Dynasty, they have carved beautifully crafted artifacts in jade, bronze, ivory and lacquered wood to promote wellbeing and bodily harmony.

Being a fairly competent artist myself, I decided this was the area I was most capable of mastering.

To begin with I was taught to grade raw materials as to their suitability for carving.

This was an incredibly complex grounding to my further development. One soon begins to appreciate the grain structure of not only the finest jade but also various stones and pebbles tortuously gathered from the foothills of the magnificent Himalayas.
It was here I first met 'Bonehead', a relic of the 70's Roots rock reggae craze. He was just  tiling the floor of a  mountaineering tent at base camp 3. After grouting, and while listening to some crackly am station on his recently found wind up radio, he showed me how to tickle minnows out of the clear, bubbling, icy cool streams that flowed from the mountains above. Eventually, and after promising to meet up back in the UK, I bid him a fond farewell  after having two fingers amputated due to frost bite.

However to his credit, Bonehead did point out that it is the alignment of the grain, colour, shade and shape that influences the suitability of not only beauty but also the therapeutic value of these basic rare earth minerals. Yeah, I thought!

Another two years passed, many, many skills were learned and eventually I was allowed to whittle away on off cuts until finally I was given a place on the ‘MASTER BENCH’, an honour indeed. At break my female Tibetan partner and I would often pop a vice on to the bench when no one was looking and try and break the 'Law' and do a couple of double badgers there and then. We never broke the Law but suitably impressed I have since bought the cheaper Snowbee version. (sorry, this is a fly tyers attempt at a joke)

Life seemed good and satisfying. Could it get any better? Maybe a stroke of luck? Would I be allowed the pick of the Shaman's daughters?

One day, while excavating a new vein of ‘Fujian Agate’ from behind on the outskirts of Kuntung, my pick became stuck between two layers of the dark coloured igneous schist I was exploring. I could not understand it; was my pick wedged or trapped? No! It was in fact held fast by an incredible magnetic force emanating from the vast, then unknown strata I had struck.
It soon became apparent as to the good fortune I had brought to the village.

My primitive pick had hit pure ‘Hematite’or Heamatite (up to you ), a variety of iron ore, so magnetic; it has  the capability of changing the molecular structure of cobalt! I think I read that somewhere in the Observer's book of Cobalt.

The mother lode was so huge and perfectly aligned; I knew we had the basis of a range of products that could benefit mankind for the foreseeable future.Would I be able to import to the UK avoiding VAT? Only one man knew the answer. He knows who he is. Even with the threat of death I would never name him. He does however, have a tree named after him in Bakewell; 'The Sedge Tree', because of the amount of flies he plants there on his back cast.

My Tibetan hosts awarded me the title: ‘Ching Yuo’ (the man of change and fortune) and I was now a fully fledged ‘Shaman High Priest’, my qualification inscribed on tortoise shell and blessed for eternity by the monks of Loyang.

My new stature also gave me the power to influence the positive benefits of any jewellery constructed from heamatite, by act of willing and prayer.

The rest is history.

Here is the sales talk. Go away now if you want to save your hard earned cash!

So welcome traveller, your path has led you to my online refuge and my fabled magnetic jewellery; I am the glorious Mystic Tony. Here you will find many treasures of mother earth and the ancient powers they hold within.

Myths and legends help us make sense of the world. My jewellery designs harness the teachings of mystical myths and legends passed down by monks, druids and shamans through the ages.

My premium stainless steel range contains only the strongest, tested neodymium magnets in every link, as used by renowned therapists throughout the world. By utilizing the natural energy of magnetism, jewellery with unique geometric arrangements and designs can have scientifically proven healing properties.

The gemstones and representations I use in my jewellery are not only spectacular fashion pieces but they are Talismans that draw mythical energy from legends and mysticism to energize your desires and elevate your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

Please feel free to explore my jewellery and let healing, guidance and beauty energize your soul and bring you to life!

Sorry, website down at the moment but...

Listen...I've got a shed load left at 20p each. Will do 6 for a quid. Make great stocking fillers come Xmas RRP £16.99 each!

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